One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
