I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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