Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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