Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
