oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
