Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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