He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
