Moan for me like Helen Keller
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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