I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
