I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
