i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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