hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
