I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Randomize
