Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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