Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
