One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
