so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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