at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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