Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
