Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
