spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
