A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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