What did we do last night that was yellow?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You are the jesus of drinking
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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