She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
