What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
