On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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