so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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