i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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