Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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