i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
