On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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