If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
