it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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