Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
