8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
