Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
