WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
