I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
