my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
