Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
