On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
