found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Too much gin, very little bucket
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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