Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
