My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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