I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Drunk is not a location!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
