Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
