sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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