he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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