Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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