why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
