Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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