i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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